Contemplation

I don’t hate my job. I just hate the lack of work to do. The past two going three years of working in a lab has really made me realise that I really hate an office hour job and I really hate being unproductive.

Perhaps the measurement of productivity when you work in a lab is different. Instead of being able to visually quantify how much have you done, it’s more of how much have you learnt today. What new information have you acquired today. Yet it feels so weird. I’m glad that I don’t have much responsibilities while I’m still studying but to be honest, I don’t mind more. I could do so much more but everyone feels like I can’t. Why can’t you guys give it a try and we’d see how it goes? Everyone is so afraid of giving chances and worried about not performing. This is not the kind of environment I want to be in.

I want to be in an environment where someone would guide and teach you and once you’ve experienced enough, you get to do the same to others. Where failure is okay and incompetence is alright. Some place where the people truly cares and hopes for your best and you will be recognised for the effort you put in. 

Sometimes I really wonder if I want to work for others. I don’t like their culture and I would like to build my own. I don’t know what I could do tho. Starting a business on something that I’m good at? Question is, what am I good at? Listening to others? Does it even make sense if I want to profit from a business where people pay for someone to listen to them? Wait, that’s called psychotherapy. I wonder if you could train to be a psychiatrist and still focus on psychotherapy. Or should I just study psychology? Why are we not given enough time to figure out what we want to do? 

I am stuck in a science stream that, to be really honest, I have no idea how to excel in and I can’t seem to get out of it. I keep doing things that seems to be pulling me onto the right track of being in the science field yet I feel so lost. I want to gain skills on certain things yet the lack of opportunities is frustrating. I have wasted this year doing nothing, achieving nothing. The only thing I managed to get is laid and myself a girlfriend. Which is fulfilling in one part of my life but my life is not just about love. I wish it was but my career is as equally important to me as well. I want a job that feeds me and a job that I would look forward to everyday. I am sick of having nothing to do and not knowing what to do. I am sick of the lack of conversations and alone time cause let’s face it, humans thrives best with interactions. Interacting with people aids with keeping your mind sane and intellectual stimulations makes you feel alive.

Discussion and conversations about life are the things that everyone lives for and the lack of this in this job really sucks. The environment is so…horrible. God. I want to meet someone who stimulates my brain. To be honest, most of the time I just want to listen to the stories of others.

If you do have a story to tell and would like to share, please, email me at september19@live.co.uk. It could be about anything. Your breakup, your graduation, your new addition to the family or even about simple things like how you find it amazing that the leaves on the tree just live and die serving as part of a tree providing food and energy. Seems so insignificant yet without them, the tree won’t be able to prosper. Without the leaves, it won’t be able to grow and it won’t be able to provide shelter for the birds. How a single leave seems so small but when together with the other leaves, its suddenly part of this huge system that either makes it even more insignificant or more simply by the way you view it.