awkward
Still vividly remember how I was actually contemplating if I should head for Tegan & Sara's gig the other day. I was thinking if I should ask El along but I guess cause both of us didn't work out, that was that. Stopped considering if I should go for it after getting rejected but that never fully left my mind.
Yesterday was the gig. Apparently, Janice was there. Javin was there. So was El. That would've probably been awkward. Meeting not just one but the three girls that actually make me feel gay as hell. Hahah.
In someway, I'm just really glad that TNS didn't impressed me that much. I really cannot imagine being there by myself looking at how beautifully all three of them are paired up now. Some part of me still feels the sting from all these but I still can't decide if it was purely cause of my own imagination, my own version of the image I gave them.
I still have yet to reply El. Her message is still sitting in my inbox and as much as I want to reply, I can't. I can't pretend that I don't know she's in love now. It sucks that I'm not the one she's in love with but I guess I'd just have to live with that.
I guess the only part that I really hate is the fact that I actually imagined about so many things that we could've done together but didn't. The stuff that I wish I could do it to someone but didn't. The stuff that could've happened but did not. I'm still upset about how inadequate I am and how my own qualities failed me.
I should be sleeping now but I'm just here enjoying the sorrow this is bringing me while listening to Tegan & Sara. Oh god. Sadness is such an addictive feeling. Sometimes I really feel like I could've lived a happier life but I actually chose this sad one. I'm so used to being sad, some part of me do feel like I might never be able to function without being this sad.
Seriously, yesterday wasn't even a bad day. I spent my whole night with W but here's the thing, I'm not very attracted to her (I think). I'm trying not to get my past experience affect my view on her and I'm trying so hard to lower my standards but this is tough. I'm constantly affected by her command of language, which is such a stupid issue if I may add, I'm affected by how she's not as confident as Javin and I'm affected by how she's not intellectually galvanize like how El is. I constantly think about how I'd be the one who's more wise than her even tho she's the older one. Which is really weird cause I don't know where this sense of superiority comes from. I constantly feel like I'm not over El and this feeling sucks so badly.
I'm really afraid that if this time round I choose to bail again, I would regret (again) and this cycle would just never end. How do you know if someone is the right one tho? I don't mind spending time with W but honestly, I don't want to waste her time either. I'm not even sure of myself anymore. I mean, there are days where I still miss Javin you know. The kind of concern you have for someone just changes after things end doesn't it? sigh.
Yesterday was the gig. Apparently, Janice was there. Javin was there. So was El. That would've probably been awkward. Meeting not just one but the three girls that actually make me feel gay as hell. Hahah.
In someway, I'm just really glad that TNS didn't impressed me that much. I really cannot imagine being there by myself looking at how beautifully all three of them are paired up now. Some part of me still feels the sting from all these but I still can't decide if it was purely cause of my own imagination, my own version of the image I gave them.
I still have yet to reply El. Her message is still sitting in my inbox and as much as I want to reply, I can't. I can't pretend that I don't know she's in love now. It sucks that I'm not the one she's in love with but I guess I'd just have to live with that.
I guess the only part that I really hate is the fact that I actually imagined about so many things that we could've done together but didn't. The stuff that I wish I could do it to someone but didn't. The stuff that could've happened but did not. I'm still upset about how inadequate I am and how my own qualities failed me.
I should be sleeping now but I'm just here enjoying the sorrow this is bringing me while listening to Tegan & Sara. Oh god. Sadness is such an addictive feeling. Sometimes I really feel like I could've lived a happier life but I actually chose this sad one. I'm so used to being sad, some part of me do feel like I might never be able to function without being this sad.
Seriously, yesterday wasn't even a bad day. I spent my whole night with W but here's the thing, I'm not very attracted to her (I think). I'm trying not to get my past experience affect my view on her and I'm trying so hard to lower my standards but this is tough. I'm constantly affected by her command of language, which is such a stupid issue if I may add, I'm affected by how she's not as confident as Javin and I'm affected by how she's not intellectually galvanize like how El is. I constantly think about how I'd be the one who's more wise than her even tho she's the older one. Which is really weird cause I don't know where this sense of superiority comes from. I constantly feel like I'm not over El and this feeling sucks so badly.
I'm really afraid that if this time round I choose to bail again, I would regret (again) and this cycle would just never end. How do you know if someone is the right one tho? I don't mind spending time with W but honestly, I don't want to waste her time either. I'm not even sure of myself anymore. I mean, there are days where I still miss Javin you know. The kind of concern you have for someone just changes after things end doesn't it? sigh.
