Rejections

HOW THE HECK DO YOU DEAL WITH REJECTIONS.
Honestly, I don't even know if I got rejected or what. Sigh.

It feels like a rejection and somehow I'm just really bumped about it. To be honest, I've never really thought much, Okay, that's a lie. I've thought about it so many bloody times. I've thought about being in a relationship with you. I've thought about living with just you. I've thought about "what if you knew that I liked you more than just this."

Sigh, why are you always constantly reminding me that you don't even really want a relationship. :( Cause I do want a relationship and I do want someone to share my ventures with. I want to view this world and be sad about how this life is actually pretty meaningless, yet everyone wants just keeps trying to make it sound so good. I decided that I want to do that with you yet your life seems to have so many other things that's good going on and you don't really need or want me to be part of it.

I'm so sick of knowing people and I'm so sick of constantly trying to find someone who wants the same thing as me only to be disappointed. Sometimes I feel like all I actually needed was a friend more than anything else. Someone that I can verbal puke to everyday and someone that would just be pleased laying next to me. Someone who would think of me when a certain songs come on or when they see a certain object that they think I would love. Someone who wants to be with me despite how negative I am and someone I'm comfortable to reveal my negativeness to cause I know that person would never leave like all the rest would.

I'm constantly struggling with all these fears, constantly hoping that it would go away, I have probably forgot to breathe. There are so many times I feel like all these are actually really unnecessary and I could have totally avoided them by just finding that ONE person to talk to but my walls have been so high that I don't even know what to do anymore.

Now I'm just thinking that hey, I might just end up as one of those really rich but sad and lonely person who has to pay for a therapist. fuck my life. ha.

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