Self worth

I remember saying this the other day.
“Then again, it’s Jowena. I’m pretty sure whoever she crushed on would have a crush on her.”

I have never been very confident of myself. I have never valued myself that much. Yes, I know that but it doesn’t mean I will or want to do anything about it. I don’t hate being not valued but I hate it when I am right about humanity yet there is only so much I could do. I could put a high price tag on myself and I’ll be deemed “snobbish”, “arrogant” or “stuck up”. I put a low value on myself, I get comments to be “more confident”, “have a better esteem” and “you’re worth more than this”. I never get this.

I don’t get it because I don’t understand how we value ourself is going to change anything. We accept the love we think we deserve. Yes, I think I deserve a prince charming riding a white horse saving me from this misery but that doesn’t mean that a prince is magically going to appear and be here to save me from this pit of hell while riding on a white horse.  For a very long time I held on to the believe that I should be treated with respect and quality. I believed that I should be with someone who’s head over heels for me and I should only have sex with someone who I am dating. I believed that for a very long time, perhaps like 20 years. Yet for 20 years, all I’ve got holding on to that believe was anxiety, depression and the feeling of not being worthy enough. At the age of 20, I decided to let go of that believe. I decided that I should just choose to do something that I want to do and I am capable of doing with what is presented to me.

I decided that I don’t have to wait for “the one” to try holding hands, to try making out and to try all the things I would love to do if I have a partner. Everything except sex. Part of me was still hesitant about having sex with someone insignificant so I decided to hold that back. I can’t remember exactly how I felt but I remember feeling a huge relief when I first held a stranger’s hand. A huge relief because I realise that there are people who “wanted me”. I have always struggled so much about being not worthy enough so much so that when I was “wanted”, I felt so liberating. It felt like I was finally worthy enough.

Yet, that of course didn’t last long. As much as I felt “wanted”, I do know that part of all these attention I get is from the fact that guys wanted to have sex with me. They were sexually attracted to me, not as a person but more of a sexual object. I know that — yet I decided to ignore that cause after all, I was “wanted”. With that mentality, I decided that my virginity was not meant for someone special too. I never really thought much of it to be honest, doesn’t even affect me much on most days. But of course, today is unlike most days. Today is where I feel like I should have thought more before acting.

No, I don’t regret giving away my virginity to someone not significant. Honestly, I don’t.
“I should have thought more” in a sense that perhaps I should play the gender game. “I should have thought more” in the, perhaps I should be selfish and use this card instead.
For a very long time now I’ve known that you can pretty much get what you want as long as you promise sex. Yet I’ve never once played that gender game. I have thought of it. Play the card and get what I want, the company, the sex and everything in between. Somehow I just can’t seem to do so. I am, after all, human with a conscience. There are days where I have needs and the desire for affection can be real, so these are the days where I would scream screw it all. What I dislike tho, is how I wish someone would not leave me after getting what they want.

When you know someone, you’d wish they’ll stay interested for long. Yet in my case, I’m always interesting until they’ve had sex with me. After sex, I will return to be just any other ordinary girl on the street. Nothing interesting, nothing special, nothing more. I’ve been there too many times yet I’ve never learned. I don’t know why but I just never do. I know that I should “play hard to get” and demand relationships but I just can’t bring myself to. I don’t want the relationship to be based on sex and affection. I want a relationship where you want to be with me because you crave for me. You want to know me more. Like how I crave for some people even tho they continue to shove their cold ass towards me. I want it to be a two way thing, not just my side or just your side. That’s all I ever hoped for and want yet it seems impossible to achieve. “Maybe I gave him/her what he wants too fast” Sometimes I think that way and most of the time, I don’t even know if I should. On one hand, I’m simply settling my needs but on the other hand, maybe, just maybe, it’s because I show my affection for someone so easily that’s why no one ever cherish it. 

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