Knowing someone
For those who have yet to know, I have been an avid user in dating apps like Tinder and OKC for quite some time now. Like perhaps...a year or so. After being on these apps for so long, I realise that there are three types of people online.
1. "I'm looking for the one"
2. "I'm just here for hook ups"
3. "I'm here to troll people"
For me, I probably fall under the first. Except I don't believe in "the one". I believe that love should be cultivated and it should be learned. Initially when I started using the app, I find myself being an open book to everyone. What surprised me was the fact that I could be so open and people still find me interesting. Of course, this sort of interest doesn't last cause hey, I've known all about you now so why do I still want to know more? That was how I was like, until yesterday.
Yesterday I find myself having dinner with this stranger for the second time, we were talking and I suddenly find myself really uncomfortable sharing much about me. Perhaps it's something that've got to do with my emotions. I've always dreaded sharing about my emotions. It's something so personal, so closed up I don't even think anyone would think otherwise. For the first time in my life I actually admitted something, emotions makes me feel super vulnerable. Showing emotions makes me feel super vulnerable and I'm uncomfortable with that.
Then I realise something, I've never been uncomfortable with sharing information about me, never been uncomfortable about sharing my thoughts too. Yet oddly, I find myself being uncomfortable the other night.
"I think it's time to quit dating apps"
I find myself doing that after meeting a med undergraduate. Not cause I want to spend my life with him (not that I would mind) but because I realise how detrimental my relationships with people have been ever since I've been using the dating apps. I have so many unsaved number on my phones and yes, I did know a lot of people but did I really KNOW them? No.
I knew the picture they painted but I don't know anything about them. I don't know their character, I don't know their personality. I didn't even realise that it took me a year to actually really know Sajit and Justin. Also I realised that it's not a one way thing, how many of the people I've know actually truly known me?
I want to take my time and know someone for real now. Yet, the people I met online doesn't want that. They want sex and affection and after all these I'm just another someone who's not the right one. What they don't realise is that there is probably no "right one", just someone who chose to go thru the struggle with you. Everyone is capable of making the decision to leave a relationship. I've always believed that if you're determined enough, anything is possible. Yet when it comes to relationship, as determine as I want to be in one I just can't make it happen. Even if I do, I always end up knowing the person so well that I don't want a relationship with them. Like I just don't see myself spending the rest of my life with them, somehow. We always end up as platonic friends.
Honestly, I'm so worn out trying to figure all these out I wish someone would just come up to me and say "Let's try this. Let's date for life and until one day you're sick of me, we will stay with each other and slowly know each other from there."
1. "I'm looking for the one"
2. "I'm just here for hook ups"
3. "I'm here to troll people"
For me, I probably fall under the first. Except I don't believe in "the one". I believe that love should be cultivated and it should be learned. Initially when I started using the app, I find myself being an open book to everyone. What surprised me was the fact that I could be so open and people still find me interesting. Of course, this sort of interest doesn't last cause hey, I've known all about you now so why do I still want to know more? That was how I was like, until yesterday.
Yesterday I find myself having dinner with this stranger for the second time, we were talking and I suddenly find myself really uncomfortable sharing much about me. Perhaps it's something that've got to do with my emotions. I've always dreaded sharing about my emotions. It's something so personal, so closed up I don't even think anyone would think otherwise. For the first time in my life I actually admitted something, emotions makes me feel super vulnerable. Showing emotions makes me feel super vulnerable and I'm uncomfortable with that.
Then I realise something, I've never been uncomfortable with sharing information about me, never been uncomfortable about sharing my thoughts too. Yet oddly, I find myself being uncomfortable the other night.
"I think it's time to quit dating apps"
I find myself doing that after meeting a med undergraduate. Not cause I want to spend my life with him (not that I would mind) but because I realise how detrimental my relationships with people have been ever since I've been using the dating apps. I have so many unsaved number on my phones and yes, I did know a lot of people but did I really KNOW them? No.
I knew the picture they painted but I don't know anything about them. I don't know their character, I don't know their personality. I didn't even realise that it took me a year to actually really know Sajit and Justin. Also I realised that it's not a one way thing, how many of the people I've know actually truly known me?
I want to take my time and know someone for real now. Yet, the people I met online doesn't want that. They want sex and affection and after all these I'm just another someone who's not the right one. What they don't realise is that there is probably no "right one", just someone who chose to go thru the struggle with you. Everyone is capable of making the decision to leave a relationship. I've always believed that if you're determined enough, anything is possible. Yet when it comes to relationship, as determine as I want to be in one I just can't make it happen. Even if I do, I always end up knowing the person so well that I don't want a relationship with them. Like I just don't see myself spending the rest of my life with them, somehow. We always end up as platonic friends.
Honestly, I'm so worn out trying to figure all these out I wish someone would just come up to me and say "Let's try this. Let's date for life and until one day you're sick of me, we will stay with each other and slowly know each other from there."
