Birthday
Haven't been posting much on this page. Not that I don't have much thoughts but just haven't had the time to keep track on them.
First of all, I can't fucking believe I have been alive for 22 years!!!! Also, I'm really horrible at predicting my own future cause if I was right, I wouldn't be here writing this. For the longest time, I have always thought that I would be dead by 21. Never have I once thought or even wanted to live for more than 21 years. Can you imagine the anxiety I had when trying to figure out what am I supposed to do now that I am going to live for more than 21 years.
I have never been a person who celebrates birthday. Each year my birthday just feels like shit to me simply because it reminds me that I have been living too long. Way too long than I want to. Someone recently questioned me why don't I celebrate my birthday and I find myself being unable to answer him. I think I mentioned about the childhood incident that make me not want to celebrate my birthday last year and that have always been the main reason until this year. This year, that just slipped my mind altogether. I can't remember why I don't wanna celebrate my birthday anymore, yet I don't know why I should celebrate it either. This exact moment as I'm typing this, my heart is actually filled with fear. This familiarity feeling of numbness and inability of feeling anything is way too familiar and I'm really scared right now. I don't want to go back there.
I have thought about celebrating birthday, I did. I thought about celebrating my 22nd birthday. Have a huge party, invite the people I love and celebrate the fact that I have survived 22 years on Earth. Celebrate surviving the countless suicidal thoughts I've had yet not done. Celebrate cause I have been so strong for so many years. Yet, that didn't happen. As the date got closer, the excitement for a celebration faded as well. Mostly because I really don't know what to do for myself and I don't know who would I invite.
I mean, it'll be such a pathetic party to be honest. Just my group of constants, perhaps Krystal and bunch, Sajit/Justin gang and my colleagues? My life have just been people moving in and out and the light of speed I don't even know who can I call friends anymore. Everyone just feels like an acquaintance who I barely know. Maybe that's why it won't be wise to have a party.
Like the previous years, I don't have any significant other that I want to spend my birthday with either. So that's pretty much it. I mean, yes, I've been talking to this girl for quite a bit but to be honest, I don't even feel very romantically attracted to her. I'm not attracted to anyone and that is kind of...annoying. It feels like I'm back to this point where I don't feel anything for anyone anymore. It feels like my depression is back. Although truth to be told, I don't even know if it's my depression or I just happen not to meet any potential partners. Sigh.
I won't say that the life after being 21 is awful tho. I mean, just look at the amount of things I've done after being 21. To be honest I've never once regret thinking that I'll die by 21. Cause that made me really live my life and challenged myself. It made me grow so much that I didn't even know it was possible. Now that I'm 22, I feel like I might just fall back to this place where I take it slow and chill. Which would be horrible considering that I have finally decided to pursue medicine for real. Well, let's just see how it goes I guess.
So where the heck is Alexander? I'm hungry. ugh.
First of all, I can't fucking believe I have been alive for 22 years!!!! Also, I'm really horrible at predicting my own future cause if I was right, I wouldn't be here writing this. For the longest time, I have always thought that I would be dead by 21. Never have I once thought or even wanted to live for more than 21 years. Can you imagine the anxiety I had when trying to figure out what am I supposed to do now that I am going to live for more than 21 years.
I have never been a person who celebrates birthday. Each year my birthday just feels like shit to me simply because it reminds me that I have been living too long. Way too long than I want to. Someone recently questioned me why don't I celebrate my birthday and I find myself being unable to answer him. I think I mentioned about the childhood incident that make me not want to celebrate my birthday last year and that have always been the main reason until this year. This year, that just slipped my mind altogether. I can't remember why I don't wanna celebrate my birthday anymore, yet I don't know why I should celebrate it either. This exact moment as I'm typing this, my heart is actually filled with fear. This familiarity feeling of numbness and inability of feeling anything is way too familiar and I'm really scared right now. I don't want to go back there.
I have thought about celebrating birthday, I did. I thought about celebrating my 22nd birthday. Have a huge party, invite the people I love and celebrate the fact that I have survived 22 years on Earth. Celebrate surviving the countless suicidal thoughts I've had yet not done. Celebrate cause I have been so strong for so many years. Yet, that didn't happen. As the date got closer, the excitement for a celebration faded as well. Mostly because I really don't know what to do for myself and I don't know who would I invite.
I mean, it'll be such a pathetic party to be honest. Just my group of constants, perhaps Krystal and bunch, Sajit/Justin gang and my colleagues? My life have just been people moving in and out and the light of speed I don't even know who can I call friends anymore. Everyone just feels like an acquaintance who I barely know. Maybe that's why it won't be wise to have a party.
Like the previous years, I don't have any significant other that I want to spend my birthday with either. So that's pretty much it. I mean, yes, I've been talking to this girl for quite a bit but to be honest, I don't even feel very romantically attracted to her. I'm not attracted to anyone and that is kind of...annoying. It feels like I'm back to this point where I don't feel anything for anyone anymore. It feels like my depression is back. Although truth to be told, I don't even know if it's my depression or I just happen not to meet any potential partners. Sigh.
I won't say that the life after being 21 is awful tho. I mean, just look at the amount of things I've done after being 21. To be honest I've never once regret thinking that I'll die by 21. Cause that made me really live my life and challenged myself. It made me grow so much that I didn't even know it was possible. Now that I'm 22, I feel like I might just fall back to this place where I take it slow and chill. Which would be horrible considering that I have finally decided to pursue medicine for real. Well, let's just see how it goes I guess.
So where the heck is Alexander? I'm hungry. ugh.
