2016
"pssh, it's just another new year"
Woke up thinking I'll write a post for the better future ahead yet here I am, caught writing about the past. Perhaps that's the only thing we could write about, the past. It's the experience that fuels us with our thoughts anyways.
There are people that will always get to you no matter what. As in, these are the people that somehow are significant in your life. The people that have taught you lessons and the people that you're grateful to have during your tough time. In 2015, my resolution was to experience more and just..live the hell out of life.
I did.
Started the year with in a hotel room full of people, 8 to be exact, that I don't know. Made out with three of them in the room, had feelings for one and by the end of the year I'm only (still) friend with one of them. Honestly, Kenneth was a crazy ride. Still remembered how when I first stepped into the room and thought "god, the only guy I'm mildly attracted to is him and he's NO WHERE near that attractive". Exact thoughts when I first saw him and oddly, I was just pulled in. Nothing happened between us that night tho, cause some idiot drank too much and fell asleep. *laughs* Don't know how but I managed to attract him for a little while and I spent my January feeling really, really happy. Still remember taking bus to work one day and all I had in my mind was "this is exactly what I want, just the purest form of being wanted not just for sex but something more". I was so happy, too happy. It was pretty short lived tho. After all, my insecurities didn't exist for nothing. By February, it was over. Remember telling myself that this would be like 500 days of summer except instead of 500 days, it's a mere 50days. Yet, I was still grateful, really disappointed and sad but grateful. You gave me one of the most precious memories and taught me that perhaps, I deserve better in life.
March came along pretty quickly and I turned 21 with my bunch of constants. Grateful for their effort in trying to celebrate my birthday with me although during that point of time, I just wanted someone significant (aka Kenneth Mah) to be with me and just chill. Literally broke down cause of loneliness right before Kenneth showed up cause I felt so alone thinking that even by the end of the day, I'm still going to be alone. By the end of the day, I'll still have to die alone. Well, you would've figured that Kenneth did show up and everything felt perfect when he was there, except he had to leave too and I had a king size bed to myself. All I realized was that money can't buy you happiness, it makes your misery more comfortable but it doesn't and can never buy you happiness.
After that night, everything was just a blur. Met new guys at Altitude and constantly visited that place in hopes of meeting Kenneth. Lester who taught me that chivalry isn't dead, Sahil who taught me that looks is nothing but looks and Ahbi who taught me that there is a very fine line to cheating. Also, Dien, trying to look out for me after the fling with Kenneth ended. Even tho he can be pretty annoying with his really conservative and (monetary) show off mentality thinking that I would be impressed by material.
The rest of the months were mostly blurred by alcohol. Lots of drinking, lots of crying and lots of trying to be okay with being lonely and a sexually frustrated virgin. Well, of course the last one didn't last long. A lot of alcohol and risky behaviours later, I find myself having a ONS in August. It was great being able to control when to lose my virginity and to who but until today, I'm still not too sure if it would've been better if it's to my first actual love. I'll never know and that's okay. One thing that taught me was that safe sex is VERY important. Never let anyone tell you otherwise. ALWAYS use rubber.
After that was a crazy "open relationship" in September/October where I sort of dated a girl AND a guy at the same time. Javin Ng. That's all I know about her personal details. I can't tell you what's her birthday, I can't tell you how she sleeps at night and I can't tell you what is her favourite drink. I can only tell you that she has this bubbly character that makes her resembles a little ecstatic bunny, she writes way more beautifully than I ever could (and ever will) and she's one of the most giving person I've ever met. It was a short three weeks but that in that three weeks, she made me want to find someone like her. She make me want to seriously date girls and she make me feel like all these uncertainty and insecurities I have were really unnecessary. She showed me that things could be really simple and I really have to stop doubting myself. Sometimes, I do feel like we just met at a really wrong time. If only we met at a point of time where you've yet to met Sara and I've yet to meet James.
James was...odd. Never really wanted a friends with benefit relationship with someone cause I really wanted to date. Yet with him..I guess it wasn't that bad after all. With him, I don't have to worry about cheating, don't have to worry about being "over thrown" by other girls and all my insecurities simply disappeared because I was his friend. Yet I find myself wanting more than just friends cause affection is an important factor for me - esp in a rs where sex is involved. Three months down the road and this is perhaps one of the longest relationship I have with anyone in my life for a very long time. & this wasn't cause we both were classmates or schoolmates or colleagues. Purely made it cause of sex. *laughs*
I thought I was going to end off 2015 really dull but no, December was a crazy month too. First month of having no job and not working at all, first time being offered something nice and having it taken away on Christmas eve. It was a stressful month. Not having a job frustrates me. It makes me feel like I have no purpose in life and I am wasting it away. sigh. End up meeting a lot of different people from online and it's weird. Made me feel like I've been meeting too many people and I really want a constant. In fact, I just really want things to be constant right now. A permanent job that will last me for the next two years, someone who I could have sex and go on dates with for the next few months and not having to worry about STDs. I am sick of changes, I just want some constant for 2016. I know it might be dull and boring but I'm so tired of so much going on in a year. So much can literally happen in 24hours I can't even...
That pretty much summarised my 2015. All I want in 2016 is some constant. A good job, a decent partner and some really good friends. 2016 will be my constant year...or maybe not cause I'm not studying for 8months but other than traveling, I want the rest to be constant.
Also, time to start traveling by myself. The world is not that scary Vivian, you just have to believe in the good.
Woke up thinking I'll write a post for the better future ahead yet here I am, caught writing about the past. Perhaps that's the only thing we could write about, the past. It's the experience that fuels us with our thoughts anyways.
There are people that will always get to you no matter what. As in, these are the people that somehow are significant in your life. The people that have taught you lessons and the people that you're grateful to have during your tough time. In 2015, my resolution was to experience more and just..live the hell out of life.
I did.
Started the year with in a hotel room full of people, 8 to be exact, that I don't know. Made out with three of them in the room, had feelings for one and by the end of the year I'm only (still) friend with one of them. Honestly, Kenneth was a crazy ride. Still remembered how when I first stepped into the room and thought "god, the only guy I'm mildly attracted to is him and he's NO WHERE near that attractive". Exact thoughts when I first saw him and oddly, I was just pulled in. Nothing happened between us that night tho, cause some idiot drank too much and fell asleep. *laughs* Don't know how but I managed to attract him for a little while and I spent my January feeling really, really happy. Still remember taking bus to work one day and all I had in my mind was "this is exactly what I want, just the purest form of being wanted not just for sex but something more". I was so happy, too happy. It was pretty short lived tho. After all, my insecurities didn't exist for nothing. By February, it was over. Remember telling myself that this would be like 500 days of summer except instead of 500 days, it's a mere 50days. Yet, I was still grateful, really disappointed and sad but grateful. You gave me one of the most precious memories and taught me that perhaps, I deserve better in life.
March came along pretty quickly and I turned 21 with my bunch of constants. Grateful for their effort in trying to celebrate my birthday with me although during that point of time, I just wanted someone significant (aka Kenneth Mah) to be with me and just chill. Literally broke down cause of loneliness right before Kenneth showed up cause I felt so alone thinking that even by the end of the day, I'm still going to be alone. By the end of the day, I'll still have to die alone. Well, you would've figured that Kenneth did show up and everything felt perfect when he was there, except he had to leave too and I had a king size bed to myself. All I realized was that money can't buy you happiness, it makes your misery more comfortable but it doesn't and can never buy you happiness.
After that night, everything was just a blur. Met new guys at Altitude and constantly visited that place in hopes of meeting Kenneth. Lester who taught me that chivalry isn't dead, Sahil who taught me that looks is nothing but looks and Ahbi who taught me that there is a very fine line to cheating. Also, Dien, trying to look out for me after the fling with Kenneth ended. Even tho he can be pretty annoying with his really conservative and (monetary) show off mentality thinking that I would be impressed by material.
The rest of the months were mostly blurred by alcohol. Lots of drinking, lots of crying and lots of trying to be okay with being lonely and a sexually frustrated virgin. Well, of course the last one didn't last long. A lot of alcohol and risky behaviours later, I find myself having a ONS in August. It was great being able to control when to lose my virginity and to who but until today, I'm still not too sure if it would've been better if it's to my first actual love. I'll never know and that's okay. One thing that taught me was that safe sex is VERY important. Never let anyone tell you otherwise. ALWAYS use rubber.
After that was a crazy "open relationship" in September/October where I sort of dated a girl AND a guy at the same time. Javin Ng. That's all I know about her personal details. I can't tell you what's her birthday, I can't tell you how she sleeps at night and I can't tell you what is her favourite drink. I can only tell you that she has this bubbly character that makes her resembles a little ecstatic bunny, she writes way more beautifully than I ever could (and ever will) and she's one of the most giving person I've ever met. It was a short three weeks but that in that three weeks, she made me want to find someone like her. She make me want to seriously date girls and she make me feel like all these uncertainty and insecurities I have were really unnecessary. She showed me that things could be really simple and I really have to stop doubting myself. Sometimes, I do feel like we just met at a really wrong time. If only we met at a point of time where you've yet to met Sara and I've yet to meet James.
James was...odd. Never really wanted a friends with benefit relationship with someone cause I really wanted to date. Yet with him..I guess it wasn't that bad after all. With him, I don't have to worry about cheating, don't have to worry about being "over thrown" by other girls and all my insecurities simply disappeared because I was his friend. Yet I find myself wanting more than just friends cause affection is an important factor for me - esp in a rs where sex is involved. Three months down the road and this is perhaps one of the longest relationship I have with anyone in my life for a very long time. & this wasn't cause we both were classmates or schoolmates or colleagues. Purely made it cause of sex. *laughs*
I thought I was going to end off 2015 really dull but no, December was a crazy month too. First month of having no job and not working at all, first time being offered something nice and having it taken away on Christmas eve. It was a stressful month. Not having a job frustrates me. It makes me feel like I have no purpose in life and I am wasting it away. sigh. End up meeting a lot of different people from online and it's weird. Made me feel like I've been meeting too many people and I really want a constant. In fact, I just really want things to be constant right now. A permanent job that will last me for the next two years, someone who I could have sex and go on dates with for the next few months and not having to worry about STDs. I am sick of changes, I just want some constant for 2016. I know it might be dull and boring but I'm so tired of so much going on in a year. So much can literally happen in 24hours I can't even...
That pretty much summarised my 2015. All I want in 2016 is some constant. A good job, a decent partner and some really good friends. 2016 will be my constant year...or maybe not cause I'm not studying for 8months but other than traveling, I want the rest to be constant.
Also, time to start traveling by myself. The world is not that scary Vivian, you just have to believe in the good.
-
‘Now,’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things—your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions— and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else—the small stuff.
