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I'm trying to move on but it's just so hard.
It's like I want to date, I want to be in love again but I'm back at that phase where I'm too scared to move on and I can't take anyone seriously or even imagine the possibility of being in love.
It's like I'm platonic against everyone.
Then again, I've never really felt like I deserve love anyways.
That's why I ran the moment I felt things had change.
That's why I didn't even bother about keeping faith.
Maybe Phil was right, I've been hurt by so many people throughout my life and all I've experienced were "almost relationship".
Maybe that's why I can never imagine myself dating someone and maybe that's why I can never accept someone when they say "I want to date you, like for real."
We all accept the love that we think we deserve and perhaps subconsciously the love that I thought I deserved are the broken ones without a happy ending.
That's why I never seem to accept the good ones and keep going after the ones that are bad for me.
That sound sad doesn't it. crap.
I should really close this door for real and I keep telling myself I've closed this for real but part of me knows that it's not true.
I keep finding myself going back to the nights where I crash over and all we do is just sleep. So innocent and so simple.
I keep finding myself hypnotising myself to sleep by imagining that I'm back to that night with you holding on to me.
I keep finding myself to hope that till the next time we meet, you'd still feel the same towards me as I feel for you.
I keep finding myself thinking about how we shouldn't have kissed that night, how I shouldn't have teased you.
I tell myself not to be in contact with you, not to care about you but my mind just aimlessly wander and it always ends up with you. I need to stop, I want to stop but my mind just wouldn't stop. I tried to fight it, I tried to embrace it, I tried everything but it just won't stop.
Sometimes it gets so bad that I feel like I should probably just take that 20 sec of crazy courage and just contact you, tell you everything and just disappear from your life like a crazy mental bitch that you wish you hadn't met. Maybe I should really do that, maybe that's the form of closure I really need.
perhaps I'm really not good at non-spoken relationship after all. Maybe I'm just really that person who has to label out everything and define everything and as much as I wish to be that cool girl who doesn't feel anything or care about anything, I can't be that girl and I can't pretend like this is going to go away if I just psych myself enough that I've done the talk, I've break everything with you and I'm going to be okay.
Maybe the only time I'll be okay is when I tell the truth and let my voice be heard by you but I don't know..then again, what's more that I've got to lose?
It's like I want to date, I want to be in love again but I'm back at that phase where I'm too scared to move on and I can't take anyone seriously or even imagine the possibility of being in love.
It's like I'm platonic against everyone.
Then again, I've never really felt like I deserve love anyways.
That's why I ran the moment I felt things had change.
That's why I didn't even bother about keeping faith.
Maybe Phil was right, I've been hurt by so many people throughout my life and all I've experienced were "almost relationship".
Maybe that's why I can never imagine myself dating someone and maybe that's why I can never accept someone when they say "I want to date you, like for real."
We all accept the love that we think we deserve and perhaps subconsciously the love that I thought I deserved are the broken ones without a happy ending.
That's why I never seem to accept the good ones and keep going after the ones that are bad for me.
That sound sad doesn't it. crap.
I should really close this door for real and I keep telling myself I've closed this for real but part of me knows that it's not true.
I keep finding myself going back to the nights where I crash over and all we do is just sleep. So innocent and so simple.
I keep finding myself hypnotising myself to sleep by imagining that I'm back to that night with you holding on to me.
I keep finding myself to hope that till the next time we meet, you'd still feel the same towards me as I feel for you.
I keep finding myself thinking about how we shouldn't have kissed that night, how I shouldn't have teased you.
I tell myself not to be in contact with you, not to care about you but my mind just aimlessly wander and it always ends up with you. I need to stop, I want to stop but my mind just wouldn't stop. I tried to fight it, I tried to embrace it, I tried everything but it just won't stop.
Sometimes it gets so bad that I feel like I should probably just take that 20 sec of crazy courage and just contact you, tell you everything and just disappear from your life like a crazy mental bitch that you wish you hadn't met. Maybe I should really do that, maybe that's the form of closure I really need.
perhaps I'm really not good at non-spoken relationship after all. Maybe I'm just really that person who has to label out everything and define everything and as much as I wish to be that cool girl who doesn't feel anything or care about anything, I can't be that girl and I can't pretend like this is going to go away if I just psych myself enough that I've done the talk, I've break everything with you and I'm going to be okay.
Maybe the only time I'll be okay is when I tell the truth and let my voice be heard by you but I don't know..then again, what's more that I've got to lose?
