Dear you,
Hello you.
First off, this isn't really for you but it's more for myself. I need a closure and I need to move on.
So maybe you don't care anymore, maybe you'd never understand why, maybe I'm going to sound like a total mental bitch but I don't really care anymore. I need this for myself.
I do this all the time and please don't think you 're the only one that receives this sort of thing.
Idk about you but sometimes I do feel like a mental bitch for doing this sort of stuff but I guess part of me just feel like perhaps this would sort of change your mind about me or something but hell, we both know this is not going to happen.
So. I know it's been quite some time since we actually really talk but honestly, (I'm pretty sure you've guessed it too) you've never really left my mind. I keep finding myself wanting to talk to you and wanting to go back to the days where we first met. I remembered when you first ask me what sort of guys I like and I told you that I don't have a type. Well, truth is, it's not that I don't have a type but more of I don't really know how to describe my type.
People like you are "my type". The sort of guys who would constantly wanna meet me and try their best to fit me into their schedule, the sort the guys who won't bother impressing me with cheesy pick up lines but easily sweep me off my feet by using words like "silly girl" & "my dear", the sort of guys who don't constantly ask "what are you up to" but tells me what they secretly love doing when their alone or share stories about them so I can know them more, the sort of guys that actually texts me the next morning to make sure I'm alright even tho I decided to throw a huge bitch fit about something minor the day before and the sort of guys who actually make me feel like they want me to be part of their life.
I don't remember if I've ever told you this but I am a very simple person to please and get. When I told you to stop trying to be so nice to me cause it's not worth it, it's not so much of it's not going to be worth it but more like I know I'd definitely fall for you and your gimmicks (perhaps that's why you kept pushing it) and when I do, you'd decide that it's time to end this game and start another with someone else.
Truth to be told, I don't think I ever thought that I deserve to love someone or to be love. That's why the closer you got, the more afraid I get. That's why I started shutting down and I'm not willing to talk and I can't seem to express myself as freely anymore (the irony). I didn't want you to see this side of me, I wanted to be that cool chic you enjoy hang out with and wants to hang out with. But honestly, I'm not that cool. I'm just only human and as much as I want to be that cool chic who doesn't seem to give a fuck about emotions, I'm not and I'm a fucking loser who feels too much (explains this essay).
That was the exact thought I had that night at Zouk. I couldn't tell you what I felt the day after cause I was a dumb bitch who's still trying to pretend to be that cool chic that I'm not. Sometimes I feel things a little too much and most of the time the things that I feel are so accurate that it freaks me out. I have a fucking horrible self-esteem and confidence issue that doesn't seem to be resolved even tho I try really hard to pretend that I did.
Sometimes I do wish that I didn't purposely tease you that night, didn't actually give in to my inner desire of wanting you to kiss me so that I know you were sort of into me. Maybe if that didn't happen, I wouldn't have been so hung up on this and maybe, we could've been close friends (like I'm your wingwoman sort of friend). I don't know. It just felt like it was a kiss that wasn't supposed to happen.
So yeah, I don't really know why I felt the need to write this out to you cause honestly, you're a guy and you probably don't give a flying fuck. After all, I'm just another mini chapter in your life. Maybe part of me just really wish that you'll feel slightly guilty about using your gimmicks on me. (yeah right, like you ever will.)
Hey, one thing for sure was that even after all these shit, part of me actually do know that there would actually not be a you and I cause 1. you're probably too childish for me and I'm just refusing to admit that fact, 2. I'll probably never fit what you're looking for and 3. I was probably just into the idea of you.
This is exactly why I say, I'm probably like a mental bitch for telling you all these stuff. On a side note, I can't believe you actually read all these shit. & please, don't go around telling people like Di En that I've actually sent you this whole chunk of words etc. about how I felt and I was really into you and all.
I did really enjoyed hanging out with you and you did make me feel happy (oh, thanks for all that btw.) but that was almost half a year ago. Now you're just making me feel annoyed cause I can't seem to move on and I can't date someone else even if I really want to.
First off, this isn't really for you but it's more for myself. I need a closure and I need to move on.
So maybe you don't care anymore, maybe you'd never understand why, maybe I'm going to sound like a total mental bitch but I don't really care anymore. I need this for myself.
I do this all the time and please don't think you 're the only one that receives this sort of thing.
Idk about you but sometimes I do feel like a mental bitch for doing this sort of stuff but I guess part of me just feel like perhaps this would sort of change your mind about me or something but hell, we both know this is not going to happen.
So. I know it's been quite some time since we actually really talk but honestly, (I'm pretty sure you've guessed it too) you've never really left my mind. I keep finding myself wanting to talk to you and wanting to go back to the days where we first met. I remembered when you first ask me what sort of guys I like and I told you that I don't have a type. Well, truth is, it's not that I don't have a type but more of I don't really know how to describe my type.
People like you are "my type". The sort of guys who would constantly wanna meet me and try their best to fit me into their schedule, the sort the guys who won't bother impressing me with cheesy pick up lines but easily sweep me off my feet by using words like "silly girl" & "my dear", the sort of guys who don't constantly ask "what are you up to" but tells me what they secretly love doing when their alone or share stories about them so I can know them more, the sort of guys that actually texts me the next morning to make sure I'm alright even tho I decided to throw a huge bitch fit about something minor the day before and the sort of guys who actually make me feel like they want me to be part of their life.
I don't remember if I've ever told you this but I am a very simple person to please and get. When I told you to stop trying to be so nice to me cause it's not worth it, it's not so much of it's not going to be worth it but more like I know I'd definitely fall for you and your gimmicks (perhaps that's why you kept pushing it) and when I do, you'd decide that it's time to end this game and start another with someone else.
"We accept the love that we think we deserve"
Truth to be told, I don't think I ever thought that I deserve to love someone or to be love. That's why the closer you got, the more afraid I get. That's why I started shutting down and I'm not willing to talk and I can't seem to express myself as freely anymore (the irony). I didn't want you to see this side of me, I wanted to be that cool chic you enjoy hang out with and wants to hang out with. But honestly, I'm not that cool. I'm just only human and as much as I want to be that cool chic who doesn't seem to give a fuck about emotions, I'm not and I'm a fucking loser who feels too much (explains this essay).
"Why the fuck am I feeling jealousy? I'm not supposed to have this feeling, I'm supposed to be that cool chic. Stop feeling jealous, he just wants to know her(Shermaine) as a friend. No, he's not going to be interested in her. No, have some confidence V, stop losing the confidence you've found."
That was the exact thought I had that night at Zouk. I couldn't tell you what I felt the day after cause I was a dumb bitch who's still trying to pretend to be that cool chic that I'm not. Sometimes I feel things a little too much and most of the time the things that I feel are so accurate that it freaks me out. I have a fucking horrible self-esteem and confidence issue that doesn't seem to be resolved even tho I try really hard to pretend that I did.
Sometimes I do wish that I didn't purposely tease you that night, didn't actually give in to my inner desire of wanting you to kiss me so that I know you were sort of into me. Maybe if that didn't happen, I wouldn't have been so hung up on this and maybe, we could've been close friends (like I'm your wingwoman sort of friend). I don't know. It just felt like it was a kiss that wasn't supposed to happen.
Hey, one thing for sure was that even after all these shit, part of me actually do know that there would actually not be a you and I cause 1. you're probably too childish for me and I'm just refusing to admit that fact, 2. I'll probably never fit what you're looking for and 3. I was probably just into the idea of you.
This is exactly why I say, I'm probably like a mental bitch for telling you all these stuff. On a side note, I can't believe you actually read all these shit. & please, don't go around telling people like Di En that I've actually sent you this whole chunk of words etc. about how I felt and I was really into you and all.
I did really enjoyed hanging out with you and you did make me feel happy (oh, thanks for all that btw.) but that was almost half a year ago. Now you're just making me feel annoyed cause I can't seem to move on and I can't date someone else even if I really want to.
