Page 69

Thanks for leaving me in pieces while you move on for your happiness. 

I know, I said no Monday blues but hey, it's 12am (going 1am) so technically it's Tuesday alr.

To be honest, I don't know why am I still so hung up on the last encounter but seriously man....why do I feel like all these things I'm doing is all cause of you? 

I've officially stoop to my all time low & to be honest, I'm not really enjoying life but just numbing myself and keeping myself busy as much as possible so I will be too tired to think and just crash when I reach home. 

Looking at her post to you and the fact that you two lasted instead of otherwise just makes me feel.....like I'm not good enough. Like I'm not good enough for anyone and will never be. I mean, I've never been good enough for anyone and when I finally thought I was, I get hit by reality telling me that I'm not and I'm just hallucinating all these time. 

Okay, I tried changing. I knew I was fat so I started execercing. I lost weight, now I'm an average. Of course things changed, I get slightly more attention now. But it's still not good enough cause even though I'm supposed to be average, I still appear huge cause I'm tall. It doesn't help that guys here are generally skinny and have a thigh circumference of an arm. I can't change my height so fine, I'll deal with it. 

But my height have been preventing me from finding someone cause I'm just too tall for someone. & it sucks so fucking badly. 

Have been clubbing so damn much and every night I just end up with some random guy who has no interest in bringing me out on dates and their only interest is sex. Sigh.

I still can't believe I actually crashed at a stranger's place & damn was I lucky to actually walk away as a Virgin (yes, I'm still a fucking 20year old virgin who has never been into an actual relationship, I have had a passionate kiss on the lips nor have I made out with someone that I have feelings for.) 

No one has even touched me (ya know where/what I mean) for 20years and I don't even know what am I doing with me life??? 

Okay, this post is starting to sound like I'm a horny person who just needs to be laid. First of all, yes, I want to be laid. BUT, not to anyone who I met for one night. I seriously don't want my virginity to be lost to some random guy. Secondly, if I do really am horny enough to be so crazy and lose my virginity to a random guy I met in club.....just kill me I guess. 
Lastly, I want a relationship not just cause I can have someone to fuck. Also cause I really wish that I've someone to fall back on and I could actually look forward to waking up the next day and stay away for once. I'm just so fucking sick of having nothing to look forward to and just roaming around aimlessly, tiring myself out so I don't have to feel sad and pathetic for myself. 

I don't even know why am I checking up on you but I'm still glad that you found someone whom you like, short enough, not to emotional and confident enough. I hope she's the one and not just some crazy mother fucker like me. 

As for me...well, I'm just going to continue partying and ending up in random guys' arm. Such a slut but I'm sorry to say, you're the one who made me realize that I can only be a slut and not a girlfriend cause I'm only capable of attracting someone but not keeping them. 

So might as well be a slut and get the company that I need for the night. 

This is why I say, I'm at my all time low and nothing is helping. Nothing.

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