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Currently in Korea and all I can think of is "I'm not truly enjoying this and I don't know why". Honestly, this trip have been nothing but great. I mean, I met so many new people thanks to Hongye. I got to try my food & spam my pictures, I went hiking today and almost slip and fell but everything was cool so I don't know why I don't feel like I'm enjoying it.

I was reading what I've posted the last time and that would've been probably the most realistic post I've ever posted about me.

To be honest, the only reason why I decided that I needed a Korea trip was because I honestly thought that this trip would make me feel less and think less but it doesn't seem that way. I'm still feeling a lot and thinking a lot. 

I don't know where to start to be honest. I'm just looking at my screen in the room wanting to cry but I can't. Let's start with this, I really really fucking NEED someone right now. I don't know who but I just need someone whom I feel like ranting to and don't have to be strong in front of. I need someone who would give me hugs and kiss me on the forehead telling me that everything will be okay. I need someone who would bring me out from the drinking and clubbing, who wants me  not just cause I'm hot or sexy. I need someone whom I can stay over at and just cuddle me to my sleep cause I need someone to hold me tight.

Yes, I thought I don't need all these but to be honest I'm just lying my ass off pretending that's I'm okay. I don't know why I do that (perhaps the fact that appearing weak in front of people is not a choice for me and it's not allowed cause I'm supposed to be the stronger one) but I just do it. The fact is, I'm not okay. At all. I'm not okay with being single, I'm not okay with being here listening to people telling me "the next one will be better, you just have to wait". FUCK YOU. I've been waiting for 20years and patience is not my forte. I've been waiting for someone whom I have feelings for and the three people I really felt something for all turned out to be the wrong person. I can't feel a shit for anyone else and it's frustrating cause I'm so done with waiting.

"Patience would pay off eventually." That's what I kept telling myself and trying to convince myself that it'll be true but no, I don't see it paying off. All I've seen is me getting my heart broken no matter what I do. I took my time, I rush into things, no nothing works. 

People keep telling me "eventually you will find someone" but I don't feel that way and I don't seem to be able to. I keep trying to keep a lookout but I just don't seem to be able to. I can't even have enough feelings for someone to have a fling/hook up/dates. 

Let's be honest, I'm not over Sy. I don't know if it's him or if it's the fact that he actually gave me what I've wanted all along and I've lost it. I keep telling myself that maybe we're just not meant to be and it's not my fault nor is his but part of me just feel like I'm my own cause of why it didn't work out. I was too emotional and I wasn't confident enough. Which is probably true. 

Then again, how can I be confident when he was with another girl 6weeks ago (on his insta when I was knowing him) and I'll probably be like that girl. Someone who he got interested and decided that we don't fit. Which came true btw. 

Seeing him attached with another girl I'm just like "this girl would probably be like me and the previous one" and I don't know why I just get so angry. (Okay, I started out sad but now I'm angry??)
Cause he's going around breaking girls' heart and who the fuck do you think you are?!??! The fact that I was one of your revenge target makes me even madder like do you even realize what have you done? You made someone who is barely surviving by clinching onto that small hope that true love would find her someday to actually give up on love and no longer have any meaning to live for. 

How can you live with this? Just how? I was sad cause I'm disappointed that I don't actually mean as much to you as I thought I would and now I'm just angry and confused. 

Perhaps the reason why I don't feel anything for other people is cause I just don't want to break any heart and I rather let my heart be broken. I'm a train wreck anyways so how can you break someone who's already broken right?

Perhaps my purpose in life is to be the one to get broken so others won't be. That sounds so sad but for now, I think it's true.

Well, at least now I know that if I blog anything here, no one's reading so it's okay for me to vent again.

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