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SOCIAL MEDIA IS KILLING ME.
I swear I'm constantly happy with my life right until one point when someone is attached posts a picture with his/her partner, then I'm like "FUCK YOU WORLD, STOP REMINDING ME I AM SINGLE, ALONE, NOT WANTED BY ANY FUCKING ONE, IVE NEVER BEEN IN A REALATIONSHIP AT ALL NOT EVEN FOR ONE MINUTE AND EVERYONE I LIKE JUST REJECTS ME CAUSE IM TOO FAT, TOO TALL OR TOO UGLY (or all of the above) FOR ANYONE".

Yeap, pretty much what goes on in my mind every fucking time I see a couple posting pictures. I mean, I'm happy for them, really. I'm just upset at myself at how I'm twenty (going to) and still fucking single. I've never made out with anyone, kissed anyone...NOT EVEN FUCKING HELD HANDS WITH ANYONE(like in a romantic way)(wow, my phone decides to autocorrect it "like" to "lol", I AM SUCH A  LOSER RIGHT?).

I'm not a picky person okay. I'm just very particular about this thing called relationship/love. Like I don't wanna hold just anyone's hand, I don't wanna kiss just anyone's lips. I want the hand that I hold is someone that I feel attracted to, I want the lips that I kiss to belong to someone who makes me feel happy every single day that I'm alive and still breathing. 

Nowadays I don't even know why I'm alive. Like I don't mind being alive but it's more of a can do/do without kind of thing. Like if I die in my sleep tonight and don't wake up tomorrow, cool. If I do wake up, cool. I don't look forward to the next day cause I can wake up and talk to the person I love, I dread waking up early cause that means I have another 24hrs to kill before I get to sleep again. 

Okay, probably lied a bit about the don't look forward to next day part. Cause these few days I'm kinda looking forward to the next day cause I'm hoping that W would ask me out again but base on the first impression I gave....nah. (first impression I gave was that I'm freaking tall btw.) 

I know what you guys are saying, MAYBE I should ask him out instead. HELLO, I want to but he got a summon the last time he met me (probably cause I very suay) and he doesn't look like he needs any company (he has friends who meets every week) or likes texting me very much. He has good manners but everything just spells "he's just not that into you"

I'm so bad at socializing and I still keep hoping that someday I'll fall in love. OMG. Why. Why doesn't this hope go away? HOW DO YOU STOP HAVING HOPES? Like I really want to stop hoping that I'll date someone good looking, rich, educated and smart someday man. Perhaps it's cause I'm so shallow that's why I'm never allowed to fall in love. 
(I'm not really that shallow I swear.)
Or maybe love just doesn't feel the way I feel like it should be. Perhaps this love people talk about is just the company of someone which makes them feel good...or smth. I don't know.

Will the world stop reminding me I'm single and stop letting me go on those one time dates that never goes anywhere? Pretty please? Just let me be happy alone, stop thinking about falling in love, stop making myself jealous of all those in love and hoping that someday someone I want will want me. (That is if I'm going to eventually die single)

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