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Blogging way too often these few days but hey, my thoughts are killing me.

To be really freaking honest, I kind of really wished I've never met W on Wednesday. Cause after meeting him, he made me felt like I can no longer spend time alone by myself and I really need someone to accompany me. 
Well, he asked me this "Don't you have a group of friends that you meet on a weekly basis?" 
I was stunned on the spot. Like, are we supposed to have this group of friends?! I thought everyone goes thru this kind of solitude (well, I don't think EVERYONE goes thru it but maybe most do) life? 
& it got me thinking, hey, everyone has this group of friends that they'll meet every once in awhile but I actually don't?!

Cause I realize that I only meet my friends only when we're all free and in a group. I hardly meet them every week, heck not even month. We meet like every few months. The only people I meet frequently are the ones in poly & even so, we only meet cause we have school! We hardly hang out together outside of school and even if we do, each meeting will somehow be pushed backwards till a day where everyone is free. 

I don't have a friend who meets me every week, I don't have a friend who I can call up impromptu and hang out with....oh wait, I actually do have one. Yuting. Except that I hardly make the effort to meet her sometimes. Maybe the problem lies with me, maybe I'm just not into socializing and forming relationships. I'm so used to being all by myself I swear I have forgotten how is it like to be with or have someone with me most of the time. 

All I do is imagine out characters and friends and they are the ones that gets me by. I have my virtual conversations with them and think about life, talk about relationships that I want to have, giving myself reasons why I should not jump down that window in front of me right now and discuss the possibility of me dying at 21.

...that sounds pretty scary and messed up but it's somehow all true. The meeting with W just mad that clearer. I'm someone who enjoys being alone. 

That was me. After spending time w W, I felt like I hated being alone. I hate having nothing to do, I hate staying at home aimlessly watching TV Series, I hate having no one to hang out with. It's like a sudden huge change that I can't comprehend. I've never been so glad that I wouldn't be doing nothing at home and watch TV series. 

Thursday (day after the meeting) was like hell, I woke up with no aim in life and just felt like the day is going to be wasted. Which indeed was wasted by having me watching aimless tv shows on YouTube. All I did that day was to grab a cake at CWP and ordered pizzas. By the end of the day, I'm just so glad that is have plans on Friday and I won't be wasting it away. 

It's really scary how one little question makes you feel like you should really stop living the life you've been living cause every minute spent watching those lame TV show is a minute watsed where you could be doing something more productive. Sigh. 

I hate changes and I seriously am hating that you somehow make me realize that and I should really stop wasting another minute watching tv series esp when 90% of the time I'm not even payig attention to what the show is talking about. Just aimless skipping and passing time. Okay, probably more like hating you cause you make me realize how pathetic my life is and how alone I am. Sigh. 
I just don't know how to have friends alright, I don't know how and I don't know why the people I want to hang out with never wants to hang out with me. No one ever sacrifice their time for me while I always try to do so for them. I don't know why alright.
It's like everyone (includ. W) I've met all decide that meeting me once is enough, like they don't want to meet me another time, hang out once more. It's always the hope of meeting a soulmate friend and then the disappointment to find out that they don't care about you at all cause they've already found theirs. 

I'm so sick of going on one-time dates and it's just so fucking annoying to know that by the end of the day the date went horrible for the other party while you actually felt that it was kind of good. UGH.

(Okay, kinda off topic alr but hey, my brain works in a funny way) 

Of course I don't really hate W like literally, I'm in fact, kind of glad that I've met him as well. Cause he made me realize so many things that I've never realize before and he honestly felt like an angel who's guiding me somehow. (Doesn't make sense Ikr.) 

Like he made me realize that I've not talk to a smart person for very very very long and I'm actually pretty dumb 99% of the time. He made me realize that how stupid I was to be obsessed with characteristics that can't be changed instead of the inner beauty of someone. He made me realize that all the people I've thought of dating are just there cause I was too desperate to find someone to be with and basically scrap all the good qualities that I want to find and deserve to get just to imagine the probability of being w that person.
He showed me that it isn't always just about the looks but also what the person have in their heart/head. He reintroduced me to why intelligence is attractive and the reason why I've never dated any of the guys I imagined myself dating. 

It's like, after meeting with him, he make me feel like "what the fuck was I even thinking when I try to imagine myself dating this certain person?". It's like he's telling me to not give up and someday I'll find someone who'll make me genuinely feel like I want to fall in love with this person not just cause everyone around me is in love, not just cause being attached would make you look like you're more attractive to someone else but because you really really want to be with that person, give him/her all the love you could ever afford and bring the best out of each other. 

It's weird typing this BUT at least now I know what I actually look for is a mature man and not just some random boy who's still growing up. I'm attracted to someone with maturity and by that it doesn't mean just knowing what they want in the future but also the way they act and talk.

I'm just so freaking glad that I've met W and although it seems a bit far fetch but even I can't believe how just one simple casual cafe date I decide to show up for turns my whole life at least 100 degrees around. I bet you won't believe it either.

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